"Love what YOU Love " - Ray Bradbury

My fingernails are caked in paint. Not like a pretty manicure, more like a mottled mess. But I don’t care because I love to paint.

This is new.

In the past whenever I’d try to paint, I would only see the mistakes. I’d think, “I’m not an artist.” And pack up my paints and brushes and forget about them. For years.

What changed?

I asked the negative voices to take a break while I just played with my paints. I approached it a little more like I approach cooking: a little of this and a little of that and if it doesn’t turn out, it’s not the end of the world… you can always bake another cake later.

Like Julia Child said, “The grand thing about cooking is you can eat your mistakes.”

Of course, I can’t eat a bad painting but I can paint over it and start again.

With a playful, forgiving approach I learned that I love painting. I may never grow up to become Picasso, but it makes me happy. So I love what I love.

What do you love?

More posts this:

a different perspective

Yesterday, I mentioned that 2010 felt like the year of less. So I’m declaring 2011 the year of more (I like balance).

I don’t really like resolutions because they don’t really work. Well, at least not for me (how many have you kept? be honest). They feel like rules and I get weird about rules. I sometimes find rules annoying and will rebel just because. Then other times I’m a stickler for the rules. Go figure. I can’t explain that one.

Anyway, I’m setting goals for 2011, and to track them, I’ve borrowed a page from a past life.

As a manager, I was involved in a lot of “road map planning”. Which is just a fancy way of saying I planned what got done when and by whom (not that it usually happened according to plan).

There were quarterly road maps and yearly road maps. And while I dreaded the activity back then (mostly due to all the meetings), it feels like the right approach for this year to organize my goals into a my very own road map (and yay! no meetings!).

I have big goals for myself and for this blog for the year, and I have broken those into smaller quarterly goals (at least I’ve got Q1 planned). I’m going to review my goals periodically and see how I’m doing as the year progresses (and make adjustments as needed).

Here are my goals for the year of more:

• Create more space and time. I’m not talking quantum physics, I just mean I want to reduce the amount of stuff I have (more space), and reduce wasted time (skimming those newsletters I thought I “should” read but never really do, sorting through junk mail, hunting for stuff due to being disorganized, etc).
• More health. More active. Eat more vegetables. Exercise more regularly… stuff like that.
• Write more. This is both a personal and a blog goal.
  • Personally, I want to be a writer, but I didn’t write much of anything in 2010. So duh, I gotta write more in 2011.
  • As for this blog, I neglected it in 2010. It’s like the houseplant that you only water when it looks like it is starting to wilt… it may be alive but it isn’t really growing or thriving. So I plan to water this blog regularly by writing 2 recipes plus a couple of other non-food posts per week.
• Make more money. This isn’t a greed-based goal. It’s just that Reality has hit. I didn’t make money in 2010. No joke. I lived off of my savings for 3/4 of the year. And while I did enjoy the time off, it’s time to get to work!
• Love more. I want to volunteer some of my time to help others. And I want to spend more time nurturing my relationships.
• Create more. My creative muscle needs some flexing.
• Dream more. Reach for the stars.
• Laugh more. Don’t take things so seriously. Lighten up. Crack jokes. Smile. Have fun!

So some of those are goals and some are more like themes I’d like to keep this year, but that is my 2011 outlook in a nutshell.

What goals (or resolutions) do you have for this year?

Sometimes there is a sign in the road that you can’t ignore. My infrequent posts and general blogging malaise is a sign to me. Maybe I’m not doing something right?

Maybe I need to slow down and look at that sign before I hit the hump going full speed and find myself flying through the air like the General Lee being chased by Rosco P. Coltrain. The Dukes always made their landings and kept going but I don’t think my Prius can make that kind of jump and probably I’d just end up crashed out in a ditch.

I don’t want to end up in a ditch. I want to blossom and grow. Well, I’m mixing metaphors now, but you get what I’m saying right?

I’ve lost my blogging mojo. I can’t find the motivation to bake and verbally drool over cupcakes and cookies like I once did. Don’t get me wrong, once a sugar addict, always a sugar addict. I will always love a piece of pie and a bowl of chocolate pudding (at the same time. don’t judge me), but the truth is, I’m not eating many treats these days. I’m making a real effort to eat healthy. And somehow, that has translated into fewer blog posts.

Salads and turkey wraps just don’t sound as sexy as dulce de leche brownies and peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. But that’s what is in my kitchen these days.

I started this blog during the height of my stress at work. It was a creative outlet and the sugar helped mask the unhappiness I felt in my job. But I quit that job over a year ago. I’ve taken a lot of time off, and now I no longer feel compelled to stress bake. Which feels great. But this blog was built on sugar… so now what?

I’ve considered moving to a different blog entirely. I’ve thought of quitting. But I don’t want to be just another casualty, and I don’t want to quit. Yet instead of posting anything while staring at that crossroads, I’ve avoided you and my sugar-baby blog. Which means I was standing still. Overthinking… which is what I tend to do.

Also, Dan and I are getting married soon. That’s kept my mind busy. And it has added a little extra oomph to my workouts and healthy eating because I want to look beautiful in the photos, not overplumped like those chickens in the Foster Farms commercials.

As I have de-stressed this last year, I have thought more about what food means to me. And to my new family. I want to be a good example and make sure everyone is eating good stuff. I don’t want to eat a bunch of fake foods, and I want the boys to learn that cooking isn’t hard. And that there are better options than McDonald’s and Taco Bell.

L-train asked me the other day what I wanted them to call me after Dan and I are married: “Patricia? P? Mom? Stepmom? SM?” I told him Patricia, P, or Mom… whatever they’re comfortable with. Which is what I want, but the truth is no one has ever called me mom. Unless you count Raven’s “mows” and “mohs”. So this is a pretty big deal. I mean, wow.

So yeah, lots to think about and obsess over. Planning for our reception, becoming a stepmom, figuring out what my next move is in terms of career, and losing that stress weight that is taking its sweet time melting away despite my extra efforts in the gym.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, because we’re friends, right? And because I found myself avoiding you. And I feel guilty when I avoid my friends. But I feel like if I don’t post a pretty pie or something chocolate, I am somehow letting you down. And I hate letting people down.

So I’m coming clean, being honest about my feelings and hopefully you will all understand. I think you will, after all you are real people and so am I. That’s really all I’m trying to say.

I don’t have a plan right now for this blog. I often wonder if I should change the name from Brownies for Dinner to something else, as if that would somehow fix something (maybe make it feel less food-limited). But I am taking a step forward. That’s the only way I’m going to stop standing still.

I am going to share more of what is going on in my life and in my head (beware). There will still be food but there is so much more that makes me me and so many things happening that are more interesting than the cobb salad I had for dinner the other day.

In other words, I want to keep it real. I’m tearing down the barriers I built around this blog. Tomorrow I will post a pumpkin pie recipe because I did actually make a pie from the pumpkin purée I posted last time and the pictures and recipes are sitting there waiting patiently for their turn in the spotlight, but after tomorrow I make no promises about what I’ll be posting. But I do promise that I will be posting.

Photo credit: IMDB

Britney Spears had her Crossroads too. Who knew she and I had so much in common?

Anyhow, I’m kind of excited to find out where we end up… and in the end we can walk side by side with our arms around each other, smiling, just like Britney and her friends.

Hey,

I’ve been meaning to tell you about something lately but kept putting it off. No, it’s nothing bad, but because it’s not really food related I’m feeling a little shy.  And besides, there’s been cookie dough and lemon bars.  Yeah, those got in the way. Anyhow, so here I am. Sharing some news. Well, not quite news but anyway here goes…

I am training for the Nike Women’s Marathon. Yep, I ran 14 miles this weekend and miraculously, I lived. I even still have the use of both of my legs.

I joined Team in Training (TNT) which means I’m also raising money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I have thought several times in the past about joining TNT but always chickened out because to me running 26 miles is way easier than asking people for money.

But last December, a close family friend, Mary Jane, was diagnosed with leukemia and at first, the doctors were saying scary things like “months to live”. It was devastating to the whole family.

Mary Jane is my California Mom. I stayed with her when I first moved to California for much longer than I probably should have, but she cared for me like her own daughter.

Mary Jane’s diagnosis was the extra push I needed to join TNT and get over my fear of fundraising. I’m still not excited about asking people for money, but when I think about the research that the money will fund.. the possible cure for blood diseases like Mary Jane’s… I get over my chickenhood.

If you’d like to make a tax deductible donation to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and help me meet my fundraising goal, check out my fundraising page here.

And even if you don’t, I’ll be back tomorrow with something delicious.

Thanks in advance,
-P

PS Have you tried these dulce de leche brownies yet?  You probably should.

As I mentioned yesterday, I wanted to tell you a little about some of the changes I’ve been making to bring my eating and my life into balance.

I’ve been going to spin class twice a week since the beginning of the year. This is a big improvement over the end of last year. Even so, I kept thinking: Isn’t exercise supposed to make you feel better? Aren’t you supposed to lose weight? Why am I not seeing progress?

Then I’d sit on the couch for 5 days moping. The closest thing to a vegetable I ate during the mope-fest was lemon-blueberry yogurt cake which is seriously good stuff but sadly does not qualify as a vegetable or even fruit in the real world.

Reality check, part 2:

1. You are what you eat. It’s old news but is worth repeating. How can I lose weight when I keep eating more than my body burns in a day? How can I be physically lean unless what I eat is lean? I’m not talking fat-free, just leaner. As in vegetables, for example. Butter is not a vegetable it turns out. Carrots, yes. Chocolate cake, no. Isn’t that sad? Imagine how much healthier we’d all be if the reverse were true. Studies show that Americans are eating fewer fruits and vegetables than ever. No matter how many campaigns the government sponsors to teach kids and the rest of us the right things to eat, many of us still won’t. It is so easy to eat the wrong things that it can feel difficult to eat well. But I realized that while I can’t change the world, I can change what’s on my plate. I’ve been focusing more on vegetables, fruits, whole grains, lean proteins, and good fats. It’s nothing new or revolutionary. I’m still making adjustments and learning new ways to eat, but my diet for the last few weeks is infinitely better than it was even just a month ago.
2. Sugar is a drug.I am happy when I am eating a chocolate chip cookie or 3, but then I’m tired and grouchy half an hour later. Eating the way I was, I felt tired all the time. I was moody. Some studies have shown that eating sugar releases dopamine in the brain which is what gives us that sugar high. And why we crash and have withdrawal symptoms when we stop eating sugar. It isn’t that sugar is all bad. But refined sugar can wreak havoc on your blood sugar levels, with peaks and crashes. I’ve been working hard to choose complex carbohydrates for slow release of sugar into my system. I have enjoyed a dessert or two in the last few weeks, but managed to keep it to a minimum. I have more energy and feel so much better now.
3. Apply Newton’s first law to your butt. To paraphrase: A body in motion stays in motion, while a butt on the sofa stays on the sofa. 2 days of spin class is a great base and I have seen some improvements just from that little bit. But to really make progress, 2 days is not enough. So I started to add in a some running (in fact, I am training for a 10K). And most recently I started working out with a trainer a couple times per week. I don’t generally like working out in the gym or weight lifting, but have found it’s easier if I join a class or work with a trainer until I reach “cruising altitude”… you know, the point at which the habits are set and I show up to exercise even if no one else is pushing me. I’ve been there before… let’s see how long it takes to get there again.
4. Patience, grasshopper. It takes time. In an age when I can download movies in an instant and pay my bills online in minutes, it is hard to wait for results. I have had good eating and work out days only to wake up the next morning hoping to see some change in the mirror or on the scale. Unfortunately, that isn’t how it works. When making healthy changes, it takes time to see progress. I can’t expect to run a 10K if I’ve only trained one day. And I shouldn’t expect to lose weight overnight. I am not a 400 pound contestant on The Biggest Loser. I am not working out with Jillian Michaels for 6 hours a day. So I will not lose 7-15 pounds in 1 week. And that’s okay.

Trying to eat well and exercise isn’t a new thing. I have been around this block a few times before, but this time feels different. I can’t claim to have any magic formula, but I have found my motivation… what’s important to me. When I am confronted with milk chocolate covered peanut butter eggs at Trader Joe’s, I am now able to walk away by remembering why I want to be healthy. To me, being healthy means living a long life with my loved ones, setting a good example for the kids in my life so they know what it means to eat well, and to be happy inside and out. As a bonus I’m finding delicious ways to eat healthy… recipes to come.

What does healthy mean to you?

Related: confessions of a sugar addict, part 1